i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
