Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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