Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
