I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
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Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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