for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
