My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
