sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
