so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
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Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
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I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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