Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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