remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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