If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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