Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
