I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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