Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
