after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
