I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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