On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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