I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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