i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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