Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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