Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
