It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
