There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
