I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
