Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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