If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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