I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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