Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
