i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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