My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
