Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
