just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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