Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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