i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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