Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
