and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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