I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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