So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
two words...techno handjob
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
