Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
