I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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