She is in my trunk
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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