my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
