her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
