I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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