Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
