the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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