the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
