Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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