Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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