i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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