his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
