just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
