i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
