Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
