remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
