I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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