I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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