the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
