New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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