dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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