I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
