Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
