I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
